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Mary Elizabeth Burns, MS, NCC, LPC Therapy
When Perfect Isn’t Safe: Healing Shame After Narcissistic Abuse
Perfectionism is often misunderstood
From the outside, it may look like ambition, diligence, or excellence. But for many survivors of narcissistic abuse, perfectionism is not about high standards—it’s about survival.
In relationships marked by emotional manipulation, criticism, or neglect, love becomes conditional. Approval is unpredictable. The safest option becomes self-erasure: be what they want, anticipate their reactions, avoid mistakes at all costs.
Over time, this coping mechanism takes the shape of perfectionism:
- You become hyper-aware of how you’re perceived.
- You over-function in relationships to avoid conflict.
- You silence your needs, instincts, and feelings to preserve connection.
And under it all: shame.
Shame says, “If I were different, this wouldn’t have happened.”
Shame says, “If I get it perfect, maybe I’ll finally be enough.”
But no amount of achievement ever seems to quiet that voice for long.
Why This Pattern Is So Hard to See
Narcissistic abuse often distorts your sense of self. Over time, you may find that your internal compass points not toward what feels true—but toward what feels safe. You learn to excel at reading others’ needs while disconnecting from your own.
And because perfectionism is so often praised, the deeper pain it masks goes unrecognized.
Many high achievers feel confused by their own exhaustion.
They wonder why success feels hollow.
Why rest feels undeserved.
Why they feel anxious even when things appear “fine.”
These are not flaws in your character.
They are echoes of survival strategies that once protected you.
What Healing Looks Like
Recovering from narcissistic abuse and the perfectionism it breeds is not about becoming someone new—it’s about returning to yourself.
That process may include:
- Rebuilding a sense of self that’s not based on others’ expectations
- Learning to tolerate imperfection without spiraling into shame
- Reclaiming your needs, voice, and instincts
- Practicing self-compassion in moments of fear, failure, or messiness
You are not here to be perfect.
You are here to be whole.
And you don’t have to keep earning the right to be treated well. That was never yours to carry.
Final Thoughts
If this resonates with you, know that healing is possible. You are not broken—you’re becoming conscious.
In therapy, we begin to untangle the old agreements you made in order to stay safe. We honor how those patterns served you. And then we begin the quiet, steady work of returning to a life that is not built around performance—but presence.
How Therapy Can Help
As a trauma-informed therapist, I specialize in working with high-functioning individuals who are outwardly thriving but privately overwhelmed, anxious, or numb. My approach blends talk therapy, somatic work, and nervous system healing so that change happens not just cognitively—but physically and emotionally.
Together, we work to:
- Rebuild a sense of internal safety
- Gently release old emotional patterns stored in the body
- Learn how to feel supported without guilt or shame
- Reconnect to your authentic self—not just your roles
Mary Elizabeth Burns, MS, NCC, LPC Therapy
The Art of Boundary Setting: Protecting Your Peace and Well-Being
In a world that often glorifies overcommitment and self-sacrifice, setting boundaries can feel like an act of rebellion. Yet, boundaries are essential for maintaining emotional health, fostering meaningful relationships, and protecting your energy. Let’s explore why boundaries matter and how to set them effectively.
What Are Boundaries, and Why Do They Matter?
Boundaries are the limits we establish to protect our physical, emotional, and mental well-being. They define what is acceptable behavior from others and what is not. Boundaries aren’t about building walls but rather creating guidelines that nurture mutual respect and understanding.
When we fail to set boundaries, we may feel overwhelmed, resentful, or even burned out. By contrast, clear boundaries help us:
- Preserve our energy for what truly matters.
- Build trust and respect in relationships.
- Maintain a sense of autonomy and self-worth.
Signs You Need Stronger Boundaries
Do you often say “yes” when you want to say “no”? Do you feel drained after interacting with certain people? Here are some signs that you might need to strengthen your boundaries:
- Chronic feelings of guilt or obligation.
- Difficulty advocating for your needs or desires.
- Resentment towards others for overstepping your limits.
- A pattern of overcommitting and neglecting self-care.
If these resonate, it’s time to prioritize boundary setting.
Steps to Setting Healthy Boundaries
- Reflect on Your Needs Start by identifying your limits. Consider areas where you feel overextended or disrespected. Journaling or talking with a trusted friend can help clarify your feelings.
- Communicate Clearly and Assertively Use “I” statements to express your boundaries. For example: “I need time to recharge after work, so I won’t be able to attend weekday social events.” Clear communication minimizes misunderstandings.
- Stay Consistent Enforcing boundaries requires consistency. If you waver, others may not take your limits seriously. Gently but firmly restate your boundary if necessary.
- Prepare for Pushback Some people may resist or challenge your boundaries, especially if they’re accustomed to you being overly accommodating. Stand firm and remember that protecting your peace is worth temporary discomfort.
- Practice Self-Compassion Setting boundaries can feel awkward or even selfish at first. Remind yourself that boundaries are an act of self-love and a prerequisite for healthy relationships.
Common Myths About Boundaries
- Myth: Setting boundaries is selfish.
Truth: Boundaries allow you to show up fully and authentically for yourself and others. - Myth: People will be angry if I set boundaries. If they do get angry, that's a sign they do not have your best interest in mind,
Truth: While some may initially resist, those who respect and care about you will ultimately appreciate your honesty. - Myth: Boundaries harm relationships.
Truth: Healthy boundaries strengthen relationships by fostering mutual respect and clear communication.
Boundaries in Different Areas of Life
- Work: Limit overtime or set expectations about your availability.
- Family: Define what topics or behaviors are off-limits during interactions.
- Friendships: Balance giving and receiving support.
- Romantic Relationships: Communicate your needs openly and respectfully.
- Self-Care: Schedule time for activities that nourish you. Self care is not just bubble baths. It's build your self worht and self respect.
Final Thoughts
Boundary setting is a skill that takes time and practice, but the rewards are invaluable. By honoring your limits, you cultivate a life that aligns with your values and fosters genuine connections. Remember, saying “no” to what drains you is saying “yes” to what sustains you.
Take the first step today—identify one area where you need a boundary and commit to honoring it. Your peace is worth it.